And so I speak – as do many others – because we have nothing to lose but the clarity of our conscience if we do not use our voice when we have people who value what we have to share and care enough to listen to us – especially when we have a platform to speak about things that matter to us.
I speak because I have been there and that is not a nice place to be.
I speak because I have done (and continue to do) the painful work of healing from the trauma and lessening the scars of those harmful encounters over time – that remains work in progress…
I speak because I am deeply unapologetic about making guilty folks squirm and be called out if it will keep vulnerable people somewhere, somehow, a little safe.
So, some pointers – and this is just a tiny list – the exhaustive everyday extra ideas just happen…
- When someone shares a personal experience of assault / molestation / discomfort / bad gaze, etc., believe them – better to believe them instead of disbelieving them and putting them in harm’s way and allowing for a creep to be encouraged because the ‘claim has no basis and no witnesses.’
- Men, please remember that while you may be a ‘good & safe guy’, not everyone in your circle might be. If the women & children in your life – your daughters, sisters, spouses, partners, girlfriends, women friends, employees, etc. say that they feel odd about someone – create distance between them. Instruct them not to allow your friends into your house if you are not around.
- While women and children are the more vulnerable population, sexual assault, harassment and on-going abuse can happen to all genders and people of all ages and abilities / disabilities.
- There is no particular type or look for people who can be abused… or a shape or look for people who can be abusers – It is a fine balance to learn to trust and to be vigilant. It is important to teach ourselves and our children the importance of trusting our instinct and our intuition. Children as young as 5 know the creepy feeling of a hand that gropes even if they don’t know how to explain it. I say this because I was 5 myself when I ‘learnt’ that the hand wasn’t a good one – that the touch was not something I wanted.
- Believe your children – listen to them – Keep the channel of communication open – Always – To continue the previous point, I was 5 – and I did not tell my parents. I had great parents, but I don’t think I believed I could tell them something like this. I don’t remember what I thought, but I dealt with this alone…. because the person was a relative. I was 5 – yet, I felt I was going to be blamed.
- Do not gossip. You were not there when it happened and if you were, you witnessed a crime, an abusive incident, a power play in action. If you don’t want to get your fingers dirty by assisting with the investigation, then do not enjoy the pigfest of rolling in the mud! Give the survivor the dignity of privacy and the space and compassion to grieve and process the assault. Go watch a movie, eat a tub of ice cream instead of giving in to the urge to gossip!!
- Don’t crucify the victim – Most times, it is the victims – the survivors – who end up facing the harsh consequences of their own terrifying experiences – whether they report it or not. They lose jobs, or are made to leave their jobs, they are gossiped about, slut-shamed, victim-blamed, etc…. while the abuser gets a mild rap on the knuckles (if at all), identities are hushed up and predators are let loose in our communities, to enjoy the benefits – social or otherwise… Do what is right, not what is popular.
- Facilitate healing from the trauma – Scars run deep and can sometimes take decades, if at all, to heal. The pain and ugliness of the experience (and potential consequences) last for a long time affecting other relationships, even with oneself, leads to potential substance abuse, mental health disorders, sexual difficulties, physiological disorders, etc. If you can facilitate or encourage therapy and counselling, please do that.
There is so much more to talk about this… but for now, I just needed to get this out of my system.
Such issues are not essays that need an intro, body and closing statement. I don’t need to lay context to explain the gravity and deep level of disgust that we feel when we talk about this issue that women have faced for generations. The conversation just needs to go on.
If you need help to understand the vocabulary of these conversations, if you feel that such conversations are sexist, vilify all men, or do not understand the idea that survivor stories need to be centered and privilege needs to be decentered – please read this article.
I will have continue to have these conversations and do what I believe is right – no matter how strong the resistance. It is my way of modeling who I am, staying authentic, and doing my bit to leave behind a safer world for our children.
I want to set an example for my daughter – for what shit she ought to absolutely refuse to take…. and for my sons to know exactly how they should NOT behave with other women – other people. I hope I succeed in that, at the very least.
I am here to remind the people around me that there is always a way out – maybe just a millimeter of breathing space is available to us today, so…be…it… TAKE that space, we will make more space tomorrow...
Remember, always, that you are 1000% worth your existence. You matter despite the pain you may feel today. My heart hurts for the pain we feel for no fault of ours – some of us feel more than others – but, courage exists too.
Remember, you are not to blame.
Remember that it takes courage to survive despite the pain of trauma, abuse and deep-cutting betrayal from people we thought would be kind to us – and/or keep us safe.
And remember, that showing up to courage is an even bigger gift you share with the world around you.
You are loved, you are precious, and you matter.
Luvena's World 