I realize that what I am about to step into is nothing less than the final push in the process of childbirth. I’ve been there thrice and every time, I am left with, at the end of it all, a miracle waiting to blossom right there in my arms!
Was it easy? No!
Was it exhausting? Yes!
Was it frustrating, nerve-wracking and scary? YES!!
But was it worth it? Abso-f-ing-lutely!
So, my analogy here is all geared towards this great big resolve that New Year’s Eve is supposed to crystallize. And I was pretty much done and dusted with the traditional resolutions. To be honest, I think I kept up most of the ones I made last year that were simple and ended up pushing the more important and pressing changes to the back burner (but.. that’s for another day, another time…)
Because this time round, I’m gearing up for a resolute leap of faith.
As I look back on the past few months of inner work, I witnessed an unravelling of patterns, old stories, beliefs and misplaced judgments that seem to unlike the ME I thought I knew. The me I was familiar with, or the me I created as I went along.
Let me not be too harsh, the me I am is pretty awesome, but I am also curious, now, to discover how much more there is that has been buried deep in the layers of doubt, deprivation and discredit, how much of the potential brilliance of untapped reserve and talent and gift have I left interred… all because of fear.
And the fear was real. It is.. It would be naive to say, it was just a figment of my imagination. It was and is as real as the air we breathe and the shit we expel in the toilet.
So, fear is real.
It is also a constant – not in the sense that fear is something to experience every moment of living, no! Instead, fear is a natural feeling that allows us to respond, or react, to a (potential) threat.
But fear has been the been the bane of my existence – the Trojan horse that determined my choices for the past many, many years – in the name of the greater good! Here’s what it did:
- Clouded my vision
- Shut out practicality / reality
- Kept me safe within my comfort zone!
And guess what? This whole ‘comfort zone‘ is nothing but a shell I created for myself – a space where I could zone out of instead of disturbing the pseudo-calm and having to face the onslaught of uncertainties and probable unpleasantries that stepping out might welcome. In other words, the fear of stepping out of my comfort zone, that in itself was created due to fear.
And in the process, while I did some pretty amazing things, because living in this comfort zone comes with it’s own set of accessories and blinders that fraud you into thinking you’re at your ultimate, your pinnacle of performance and all that, there was always that little muffled voice deep within that relentlessly tried to surface and pushed through the SOS whispering urgently, “Fear isn’t allowing you to grow!“
Gosh! What a mess! And what a waste of sheer genius!
Deep breath
So…
I looked at fear – eye to eye – the way, I had learned to over the years because of it. And I steeled myself as I noticed the moment, pulsating like an abscess ripe and ready to burst with all that accumulated pus and purulence – all those restraints within me just ripe and ready to explode…
And in the aftermath, the building tension is released. After the wound is cleaned and dressed, the healing begins.
And that is what I am going to take on this in this new year.
I resolve to take on fear.
I resolve to accept and acknowledge that while fear is real, the value and worth of hacking through it to embrace the power of rebuilding myself through the uncertainties and endless possibilities with single steps of the greater journey is real-er.
This year, I choose to allow myself to thrive in freedom and take off the vicious band that held me back. And as I leap in faith, I can only trust the Universe to conspire in my favor and have my back!
So here’s to that one last deep breath before I push and birth myself into the newness of everything I am going to step in to.
Luvena's World 