On Men, Women… and Privilege

Working with some #metoo campaigns, I came across this tweet by Justice Markandey Katju about the movement and how he feels that it has done ‘some good’ in seeing some people being outed and brought to justice but how he can ‘foresee it giving rise to a lot of blackmail‘….and how ‘in the present climate, the woman will be believed…‘

And all I’m thinking of is how it takes a man hardly any energy to exhibit his privilege and say all these things – things of logic and well-bred thought in the midst of political fray.

So here’s the thing with privilege – even our brilliant, kind, wonderful men, our brothers, sons and male friends, don’t always realize that it is privilege that allows them to fully express themselves in society – the same society we all live in. Men and women are often measured with different yard sticks – even women of today, who in many respects seem stronger, are better educated, more vocal and professionally on-par with their male peers and counterparts.

I have to stress here, I do love men – I do love them for all that they bring in to the world, to society and to my life – I  have two sons, a fabulous brother and have some wonderful close male friends.. But the thing is, privilege is something they were born with – and that is the norm for them. Privilege is what gives them the benefit of unconscious bias – at work, at home, on the political front, in spiritual pursuits, in religious fields, in hospitals, theatre, everywhere!

And yet, we hear the #notallmen response. Of course not all men are rapists, molesters, abusive partners… not all men, I get it!! BUT, that doesn’t deny that being male has a history of existential privileges that women across generations and centuries have not had – have been denied!

So, when the stifled voices start speaking up and a #metoo movement rises, the power of patriarchy does and will feel the tremors. And these tremors are uncomfortable because it is not easy to give up control, even for the good guys, because generally, being a member of the ‘Privilege Club’ without explicitly asking for it feels really good!! Even if it is not quite done… even if it means that for the same duration (generations & centuries), their ovarian other half of society has been silenced, marginalized, measured up with a tougher yardstick, told to prove their worth by managing work AND home because it is a woman’s job,…. (but again, #notallwomen ,no?)

The uproar that having exclusive women cabins on the Metro or reserved seating on buses or special counters for women at banks and hospitals (that no one really promotes if the woman is standing in the men’s line)…  But we all know the men who stand in the men’s line and tell their women to go stand in the women’s line because it is easier and faster to get through.

It seems to bother a lot of people, no? This whole privilege thing… quite tricky indeed!

Now we have women speaking up and saying, ‘but we have the right to demand justice…’ And then we have men like Katju reminding people that women might start abusing the system with this sudden allowance of privilege & justice & laws that are giving them a voice.

To think that after centuries of women being put on the backburner, when they ask for equality, having a line dedicated for them is outrageous!! We want equality after suffering inequality forever? How did we dare to expect it?! So, if we want equality, we shouldn’t get a reserved seat, we should share it with the men…. ahem, share it with the men who had it all along…. and who aren’t going to part with that privilege so easily, you see?

Our sons and brothers and ‘husbands’ and ‘fathers’….. haven’t they been abusing their privilege forever? Of course, #notallmen …. but #notallwomen too, don’t you think?

Standing in support of #metoo and #metooindia Trust me, we can handle the privilege… it is our right.

Hands Off My Boobs!

When I was in my early 20s, I had opted for a professional bra fitting. What happened in that fitting room, without a measuring tape and the attendant who cupped and fondled her way (with a perfect poker face!!!) to offer me one the best fitting lingerie I’d ever purchased till then will, I guess, remain to be a confused-but-wtf-just-happened kinda memory for some time to come.

Fast forward to present times, as an advocate for women’s safety and a knuckle rapper for all things ‘sexual harassment’, I guess it’s a normalised idea that men touch inappropriately. I’m saying this because, as it turns out, my ‘girls‘ seem to have caught the attention of mixed preferences! And while I know it is a violation of personal space and a sexual advance regardless of the gender of the violator, I didn’t know how to react, let alone respond at the time.

Having a woman sneak up behind you and grab an obvious handful of bounty, in broad daylight is, well, clearly not done. It wouldn’t have been ok even if it wasn’t in brad daylight, just to be clear. Advocating for equal rights and sexual identity / preference does not mean, you get off on me. Sorry… no way, Jose! Your preferences do not mean I oblige per convenience – especially when MY preference is clear. I’m into men – and even then, I decide who gets close enough to cop a feel

(and please – that is not an open invitation to attempt!!)

Here’s what my thoughts were over this: I was caught off guard. I felt numb, of sorts… I definitely did not like/ enjoy it… I was surprised. I almost equated it with a little child inadvertently putting their hand on me…. but I know the woman intended it. It was not a joke. Even if it were, I wasn’t laughing.

Anyway, I’ve figured out a way to address this and I shall do so in my own time. But until then, folks, if you don’t like the attention, speak up. Your personal space is your own.

As for me, a little caution never hurt anyone.

Who Will Listen to My Truth?

At the 75th Golden Globe Awards, Oprah delivered a powerful speech after accepting the Cecil B. de Mille award. I was moved beyond words. Others were too.

I watched the video clip of the speech many times over the next few days and every time I felt the same way. After the clip, I was always left with a myriad of thoughts going through my head, tears in my eyes, a feeling of restless frustration at the injustice of it all and of the enormity of work yet to be done.

But all these feelings were on the inside.

I knew a blog was in the making, but oddly enough, an hour or so after the video, I would tend to forget what my personal reasons were. What was shifting inside of me that I was unable to crystallize into coherent thoughts? Why was the issue so stormy that it had the effect of blowing all my rationale and thoughts into a frenzy?

I guess the proximity to #metoo was still too close for comfort. Yet, my own non-negotiable value was calling me out.

Authenticity!

Yes, here I was watching Oprah speaking her truth and urging us all to speak our truth. Yet, here I also was feeling like a soda bottle that has been shaken until the fizz is pressing against the bottle cap ready to burst through.

Yep… too close for comfort indeed.

If someone like me, who usually speaks her mind, has a part of her that second guesses (sometimes) to speak her truth, then what would be the harsh reality for a whole lot of us who don’t even know that there is a truth worth speaking?

Or that there is an truth at all?!

Harassment, violence, domestic abuse, gender disparity and unequal pay are just a few situations, but when situations turn into circumstances, then the truth becomes more fluid – and malignant. And it is a truth all of us are privy to…

Because at the end of the day, it is just a blatant misuse of power – in the hands of the wrong people. Power, that is misappropriated and misused to cause pain, suffering and indignity.

I know it – because I have been there. I know it – because it was my story. I know how brutal the pain gets because we feel overwhelmed with the shock of it all, yet, the misplaced power puts us in a place of doubt, insecurity, being unheard… or worse, not being important enough to be heard.

So hearing someone’s truth is the bigger need at this time. Taking time to listen, taking time to act, and taking responsibility for the situation as well as the circumstances.

Quoting a line from a book I just finished reading, The Palace of Illusions by Chitra Divakaruni Banerjee, in reference to why the bystanders, members of her own family, her in-laws, refused to step in and help Draupadi when she was assaulted in public by Dusshasana…

“Bheeshma thought too deeply about the laws of men. It paralyzed him. He wasn’t sure whether you were already Duryodhan’s property – in which case he had no right to intervene. But sometimes one has to drop logic and go with the instinct of the heart, even if it contradicts law.“

And that summed up my deepest question to those who didn’t step up to a duty that I had come to expect of them. Perhaps expectation is misplaced then, but a sense of love, bonding, attachment and concern all bring along expectations. So when laws and rules are upheld over an instinct of the heart – betrayal is all that is left to feel.

So yes, it firms my resolve a bit more at the end of it all – I shall continue to speak my truth to the audience that chooses to listen or not, act or not, regardless. And I shall also be open to listening… and inviting those around me to listen.

Because it is time to shift into a space of speaking and listening … and being safe.

So for misplaced loyalties and the power to inflict pain… your time too is up.