A few days ago I was chatting with a neighbour and her little girl in our apartment complex. Acquaintances, we get along well with each other as we speak in passing, and the little girl has slowly grown comfortably out of her shyness and speaks with me freely when we meet. As the conversation progressed, I reached out to her and jiggled her chin – a gesture we Indian moms are so unconsciously familiar with.
Maintaining a smile (was it slightly faltering?) and leaning away from me every so slightly, the little girl said…
I don’t like being touched.
So, when this little girl told me that she didn’t like being touched, that instant was like a major breakthrough moment for me – because in that instant I learnt the one thing that I have been posting and sharing about over the past many months…
Consent
As I’m thinking back to the moment, I am aware of at least 2 clues that I overlooked in that interaction – the faltering small as I reached out to her chin and breached a boundary of her personal space and the natural shrinking away from personal touch. Thankfully, for both of us, her mother was right there with us during this interaction – and I am even more grateful to have experienced a moment of authenticity – because I recognized that I violated a boundary and this little child had taught me what she had learnt about speaking up and speaking out – clearly.
How did I self-manage? There was no need to self-manage. Why would I need to sound defensive? We were three mums standing around each other in that conversation and this instant was between myself and that child. I didn’t need to self-manage (I had no right to!) – instead, I did what I was supposed to do – I apologised.
I apologised because in my lack of awareness I had, unintentionally of course, violated someone’s personal boundary. I kept it succint, to the point and then – moved on to validate what I guessed her parent had taught her – that I should have asked if I could touch her at all! (our cultural givens and all that considered)
What struck me most potent – and it is a fact that one simply shouldn’t ignore – was this little child, at the age of three and learning to perfect diction and speech, whose body clues I had missed, took the step to give me a clear message – her voice was small but her words were crystal-clear and loud enough to ever be missed or misunderstood.
The message was conveyed.
She had spoken up.
The ball was firmly in my court.
I had to listen.
I had to respect that boundary.
As a culture, we were never taught to speak up. As a culture, we were taught to normalise physical touch, hugs, cuddles and other such gestures of body contact. And I get that. For the most part, we aren’t coming from a place of causing discomfort to anyone. I also get that we are, in current times, faced with a plethora of distasteful and downright scary news of unspeakably heinous acts against our children.
I also understand that it is our responsibility to fortify our children and teach them to be aware and express their consent.
Yes, I’ll be the first to say that years ago I had my doubts about this over-education of good touch, bad touch in schools and institutions. There are moments when I see worried parents and grandparents jumping the bandwagon and making added mysteries of biology and pushing the responsbility of educating their children about staying safe on the teachers – just to avoid the discomfort of speaking to their children on touchy topics.
While, another side of me worried that we were raising a generation of children who were being taught that the world is unsafe (maybe so) and would grow up into adults who lacked one basic element of human relationships – trust.
I recognise the need of the hour and am willing to put my trust in a state of natural order where our children will learn better balance from parents who are keen to help them in the process. But more importantly, I also recognise that in addition to teaching our children about keeping themselves safe and speaking up – we need to teach our adults – all adults, men and women alike – to listen. Women are not exempt from this – we aren’t exempt from learning to respect boundaries – being a mother did not give me the right to violate any personal space or boundary.
When someone says, ‘No’, it means just that. It doesn’t mean that because she smiles at me uncomfortably as she says it, she must be meaning a ‘yes, maybe‘. We must unlearn our pompous assumptions of our self and recognise that even WE have the responsibility to keep others safe – physically and emotionally.
In my apartment complex, a gated community, I am a well known mom – my children are mid-teens, pre-teens and under-10s, and their friends are in those age groups too. I’m known to be one of those fun moms – candid and open with the children enough to let them know that there is a trusted adult they can speak with. And herein lies a larger responsibility – I was in a position to live my authenticity and, on a deeper level, validate and reassure them that this trust did not give me an open ticket to get away with breaching boundaries.
Them liking me did not mean I could cross a line or interpret their consent in a way that suited me. And this is a big, BIG lesson for many of us. The number of instances of molestation and assault that occurs within known circles with the perpetrators being trusted adults is shocking – and it is our responsibility to do what we can – in our micro-circles of influence to address that and begin with ourselves.
As it turned out, the interaction brought to the fore, addressed and beautifully restored a balance to my relationship with that little girl, her mother and the other mum present. It restored her trust in her instinct, it validated her response, validated her right to speak up and be heard and in a nice way, I hope, it reassured her in the goodness of people around her and her faith in the goodwill of many adults who surround her.
And so… it all began with this beautiful lesson I was taught by a little girl, born about four decades after me – that it is important and crucial, for us to live our truth and be mindful of the unconscious acts that may sometimes ask me take a step back.
And that that’s Ok too.
Here’s to speaking up! Here’s to taking action! And here’s to taking responsibility and learning to listen.
Luvena's World 