And So I Speak…

Image by Irina L from Pixabay

And so I speak – as do many others – because we have nothing to lose but the clarity of our conscience if we do not use our voice when we have people who value what we have to share and care enough to listen to us – especially when we have a platform to speak about things that matter to us.

I speak because I have been there and that is not a nice place to be.

I speak because I have done (and continue to do) the painful work of healing from the trauma and lessening the scars of those harmful encounters over time – that remains work in progress…

I speak because I am deeply unapologetic about making guilty folks squirm and be called out if it will keep vulnerable people somewhere, somehow, a little safe.

So, some pointers – and this is just a tiny list – the exhaustive everyday extra ideas just happen…

1. When someone shares a personal experience of assault / molestation / discomfort / bad gaze, etc., believe them – better to believe them instead of disbelieving them and putting them in harm’s way and allowing for a creep to be encouraged because the ‘claim has no basis and no witnesses.’
2. Men, please remember that while you may be a ‘good & safe guy’, not everyone in your circle might be. If the women & children in your life – your daughters, sisters, spouses, partners, girlfriends, women friends, employees, etc. say that they feel odd about someone – create distance between them. Instruct them not to allow your friends into your house if you are not around.
3. While women and children are the more vulnerable population, sexual assault, harassment and on-going abuse can happen to all genders and people of all ages and abilities / disabilities.
4. There is no particular type or look for people who can be abused… or a shape or look for people who can be abusers – It is a fine balance to learn to trust and to be vigilant. It is important to teach ourselves and our children the importance of trusting our instinct and our intuition. Children as young as 5 know the creepy feeling of a hand that gropes even if they don’t know how to explain it. I say this because I was 5 myself when I ‘learnt’ that the hand wasn’t a good one – that the touch was not something I wanted.
5. Believe your children – listen to them – Keep the channel of communication open – Always – To continue the previous point, I was 5 – and I did not tell my parents. I had great parents, but I don’t think I believed I could tell them something like this. I don’t remember what I thought, but I dealt with this alone…. because the person was a relative. I was 5 – yet, I felt I was going to be blamed.
6. Do not gossip. You were not there when it happened and if you were, you witnessed a crime, an abusive incident, a power play in action. If you don’t want to get your fingers dirty by assisting with the investigation, then do not enjoy the pigfest of rolling in the mud! Give the survivor the dignity of privacy and the space and compassion to grieve and process the assault. Go watch a movie, eat a tub of ice cream instead of giving in to the urge to gossip!!
7. Don’t crucify the victim – Most times, it is the victims – the survivors – who end up facing the harsh consequences of their own terrifying experiences – whether they report it or not. They lose jobs, or are made to leave their jobs, they are gossiped about, slut-shamed, victim-blamed, etc…. while the abuser gets a mild rap on the knuckles (if at all), identities are hushed up and predators are let loose in our communities, to enjoy the benefits – social or otherwise… Do what is right, not what is popular.
8. Facilitate healing from the trauma – Scars run deep and can sometimes take decades, if at all, to heal. The pain and ugliness of the experience (and potential consequences) last for a long time affecting other relationships, even with oneself, leads to potential substance abuse, mental health disorders, sexual difficulties, physiological disorders, etc. If you can facilitate or encourage therapy and counselling, please do that.

There is so much more to talk about this… but for now, I just needed to get this out of my system.

Such issues are not essays that need an intro, body and closing statement. I don’t need to lay context to explain the gravity and deep level of disgust that we feel when we talk about this issue that women have faced for generations. The conversation just needs to go on.

If you need help to understand the vocabulary of these conversations, if you feel that such conversations are sexist, vilify all men, or do not understand the idea that survivor stories need to be centered and privilege needs to be decentered – please read this article.

I will have continue to have these conversations and do what I believe is right – no matter how strong the resistance. It is my way of modeling who I am, staying authentic, and doing my bit to leave behind a safer world for our children.

I want to set an example for my daughter – for what shit she ought to absolutely refuse to take…. and for my sons to know exactly how they should NOT behave with other women – other people. I hope I succeed in that, at the very least.

I am here to remind the people around me that there is always a way out – maybe just a millimeter of breathing space is available to us today, so…be…it… TAKE that space, we will make more space tomorrow...

Remember, always, that you are 1000% worth your existence. You matter despite the pain you may feel today. My heart hurts for the pain we feel for no fault of ours – some of us feel more than others – but, courage exists too.

Remember, you are not to blame.

Remember that it takes courage to survive despite the pain of trauma, abuse and deep-cutting betrayal from people we thought would be kind to us – and/or keep us safe.

And remember, that showing up to courage is an even bigger gift you share with the world around you.

You are loved, you are precious, and you matter.

Part 1: The Need to Talk About Women & Child Safety

Part 2: The Shared Responsibility to Protect The Vulnerable

The Need to Talk About Women & Child Safety

I’ve been having many conversations on Women and Children’s Safety in India of late. Interestingly, I wasn’t prepared for the level of resistance to many processes and initiatives to keep women and children safe or even to initiate the conversation. The excuses were usually the cases of the misuse of law and legal resources by women that are highlighted to undermine the genuine trauma, PTSD, abuse and violence faced by the majority of victims and survivors.

As a community, however, we do not speak openly and compassionately of such matters – leaving those who suffer to languish in misplaced shame and devoid of the support of family or friends.

This is a long discussion, but some key thoughts I’d to share:

1. Sexual harassment is not just groping, physical assault or rape. Unnecessary and uncalled for lewd comments, leering and ogling, making suggestive actions etc. are all forms of harassment that make the target of such behaviors feel uncomfortable and violated. Also remember, there can be no tangible proof for such behaviors.
2. A victim of such harassment will very often not complain because of the shame they will experience and that they (and their body) will be treated like an object for public discussion – without empathy or sympathy.
3. The perpetrator will often cockily walk away with the ready and self-exonerating statements like, ‘If I made them feel uncomfortable, they should have said something to me and I would have stopped. They didn’t – actually, THEY were flirting with ME – They wanted to sleep with me.“… No, it doesn’t work that way. The space created was not a safe space… and the responsibility is not on the victim to educate a creep of misbehavior when their primary objective is to get away from a threatening space and a dangerous person.
4. Victims are usually hesitant to report incidents because they feel the onus of showing proof is on them. How do you prove that a lecher’s behavior, especially when no one else was around, made you uncomfortable? How do you prove that you were molested if there aren’t any cameras to capture the deed? And then, who walks away with their head held high?
5. Present day teenagers and children are most vulnerable as they appear to be more aware with facts. Sadly, having to deal with pedophiles while they are still learning their way through adolescence is a terrifying ordeal to endure.

Part 2: The shared responsibility to protect the vulnerable.

Darlings: Thanks, but no thanks

Social media was full of ‘Darlings’ reviews. For awhile I didn’t even know what the movie was about, so I really didn’t bother until a dear friend shared that she was triggered by it and stopped watching. I took her experience to heart and knew that the plot would bring up stuff for me too. A few weeks back, my partner watched it and my knee jerk response was that I won’t watch it and I guessed that I’d feel sick. He agreed that it would be reliving the trauma.

Last night, I thought of giving it a try. I mean, I would always switch it off, right?

I was being lured to by the harrowing theme of you know, maybe, just maybe, after all these reviews, the movie might be showing a real scenario and somehow, just somehow, I might feel that certain experiences would be validated? I still don’t know what my reason to watch it was, but I watched it. But you know, sometimes, those things that you should avoid have an allure that entices you to take one bite, one tiny bite, and no harm done? I was feeling all that…

I looked at the movie cast and thought, ‘Well, if Shefali Shah is in it, the plot must be dark enough to be real.’ Let me see what this is about.

Six minutes and ten seconds into the show (I’m guessing intro credits included), I had to pause. My jaw was tight, my breathing was shallow, my mouth went dry and my gut clenched. I felt physically ill and could feel the bile rising in my throat. I had known that giving this movie my time would be a bad idea.

A very bad idea.

To set the record straight, my review of this movie is based on having been there and with the wisdom, clairvoyance, clairaudience and clairsentience of hindsight. I didn’t even need to know the theme of the movie to know what was going to happen in the first few minutes. The disrespect and the absence of value for her space, effort, time was blatant. He unceremonious and remorseless manipulation of her feelings by dangling the carrot of marriage and babies and a home… a future together… it. was. all. right. there.

Yet, she stayed.

And there will be a zillion A-holes making wise ass comments like, ‘Why is she still staying with him, then?’ Placing the onus of the survivor… sigh! Making it her burden to explain how maybe she still thought or believed that this was a hiccup that all relationships go through? Or was it to feel guilty about expecting a happy ever after? Or maybe a happy till tomorrow? Was she to be held responsible to hope and seek a loving, secure relationship?

This story was also compounded by multiple themes – almost making it an excuse in some places. He is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease. He needs our pity & our sympathy. He needs her support and care to get off it. Well, if it means a couple of blows, punches, broken ribs and a miscarriage – well, this is between the husband and wife…

Sorry, but I cannot write this in coherent order. There is no beginning.. and I sense myself going in loops.

I found the humor grating. I didn’t laugh at all throughout the movie. Not once. My daughter came to the room twice to tell me to please stop watching it as it was clearly upsetting me. I didn’t watch to carry it to the next day. I would allow the poison to be drawn in one go.

That humor, was not funny. I found it insulting. I found a mentally agitated young woman’s desperation being churned as fodder for gaping bystanders to shake their heads and say, ‘Look at the stupidity she is doing! Why can’t she just leave him?’ The humor and the ridiculous music downplayed trauma, grief and brutal fear for one’s life into a rubbish piece of badly written jokes. To me, they were not funny to me.

The humor downplayed violence, mental anguish, trauma, miscarriage, suicide all that to feed an audience of bystanders who didn’t really know or care about what happens behind closed doors.

What they did show well was manipulation and gaslighting, even if it fell on deaf ears. They showed well the trembling of her hands when he bit on the second stone in his rice. They showed well the reflexive clasping of her throat when she knew what was coming. They showed well the brutality of an abusive and violent person. They were also spot on in showing how an abuser would work towards isolating his ‘prey’ from social and financial support.

The most hard hitting scene for me, was when Hamza hits Shamshu, his mother-in-law, in the cab – abusing the family of the victim is brutal and often not expressed well. I can only hope the message reached a fair number of minds.

But, in my very honest opinion, they failed miserably at showing the effects on Badru’s body, mind and spirit. There was a tendency to not showcase her grief and instead center on his abuse instead. The abuse was centered – the abuser was centered. It is typical, isn’t it? To shy away from uncomfortable truths of a woman’s experience of pain and horror?

This was perhaps a teachable movie – to raise awareness of a cornucopia of social issues – I don’t know… To me, it lacked. Just by educating the masses about Section 498A, one doesn’t really push the needle that required public outcry and a movement that motivates society to care for its members.

I felt for Badru – she was just a child trapped in the clutches of a monster. She’s right to take charge of her respect in her own hands, but the philosophy of greatness and the higher moral ground is a psychological nightmare. I can’t think how it can happen overnight – I’m glad it did, but… it just watered down the reality of domestic violence, intimate partner violence, violence against women and gender based violence.

It also misplaced the story by setting it in a lower income chawl with lesser educated individuals of a certain community. Violence occurs in all segments of society. Worse stuff gets perpetrated in upper middle class and wealthy society units. There the façade to save face for Page 3 insets is strong, the walls sufficiently sound proofed, gated communities provide the anonymity and isolation sufficient to get away with ‘this is between husband & wife, we will sort it’

Like I said, I feel a bit incoherent in my ramble. Trauma doesn’t resolve itself over night. It rewinds itself at various times and we learn and unlearn over and over again.

I don’t have a textbook conclusion to this post today… it just is a visceral outpouring. The movie was a trigger and I am still experiencing the effects of giving it my time. To those who have given it rave reviews for the effort of highlighting this issue, well… I don’t know… There must be better ways. But if those reviews were coming from a third person, unaffected place, then I really think they must rethink their ‘position’ before dissing off those of us who found the movie triggering, belittling and insensitive in many ways.

Now I need to recover from this movie. This is why I hate watching TV…