I am a Single Mom

My oldest had his high school graduation yesterday. It was a week that saw me in a frenzy running all over Bangalore getting his clothes organized, yes with him in tow – finding places that rent tuxedos, getting into a teen-boy’s mind to match what his version of panache is v/s my ‘ancient‘ idea of what worked and what didn’t. It was a week of juggling work, mothering, more work and then even some more. Bottom line – I did it alone… because, for the most part, that’s how single moms function.

I sense this share is going to be intimate (I think) –  but I still don’t know exactly what will come through in the words that follow. What I do know is that many of you follow my posts on Facebook and many more of you are my friends and relatives. Some of you may have wondered why my pictures had a missing ‘male member’ and still others might have connected the dots from my blogs that are usually bursting with subtle undercurrents of ‘make-the-connection’.

So let me make this clear, this is not a post to satisfy anyone’s curiosity – though that may happen, it is not the primary intention. This is also not the clothes line where my dirty linen is out washed and drying, I have a huge pile of dirty clothes and washing it clean is going to take a while.

What this post is about is me breathing in and telling myself, “Luvena, you did good.”

This post is also about me coming out of the closet and accepting myself and everything in it for what it is. Coming out of the closet to bust the ambiguity surrounding complicated relationships and the chaos – mental as well as physical – that comes from being in difficult and trying circumstances and attempting to navigate crippling situations.

I am raising three young children single-handedly and have been doing this for the past many, many years. Being a single mom is not an identity that a document or legal issue declares. It is the effort that goes into waking up every morning to nudge, nurture, educate, teach, build values, argue, bully, wipe tears, cry with, hug, hold, feed, explain, share, listen, clothe, walk with, tickle, fix boo-boos, clean puke, soothe fevers, hospital rooms, diary notes, school meetings, test papers, messy hair, pizza parties, hormones, holidays, birthdays, deaths… and life… and being the mother and the father – because that is how it is..

And doing all this… and more… alone… because the other party is unavailable – physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually (huh!)… unavailable… end of story.

It is waking up daily and wondering about the choices that I made that were obviously wrong – love that was offered at the wrong place, to the wrong person – and yet teaching that love is still possible for every single one of them… us… them… and hope they sense the honesty in it.

I don’t need to be divorced or widowed to be a single mom – all I need is the circumstance that dictates the situations that would follow – all I need is the knowledge & awareness that I’m out there on my own to make or break. That’s the recipe.

Making choices for three children as, by far, the only parent who actually gives a damn about them is hard. It cracks open the door to scary feelings of guilt and doubt – Am I doing the right thing? Is this good enough? Should I just have sucked it up and put up with it all after all?

And then SNAP! Crystal clear as ever, I would know that there was never any going back to the abuse, disregard and abandon. Never.

I could never respect a man who threatened day in and day out to throw his wife and children on the road. I would never give a second glance to a man who would use money and food as a means to control. And I would never lift an inch of my attention on someone who would get back at children with tit-for-tat, refusing to wish them on their birthdays and worse, making snide remarks over milestone occasions like high school graduation.

<Deep breath>

I am a single mom because for the past 16 years I have parented my children by myself. I have paid for my boarding and have earned for myself – big money, small money all included. I am a single mom  because although some expenses were taken care of, those expenses were always calculated as an offer – not because parents do these things. Those expenses were and are, even now, used as accounting to how much was spent. I am a single mom, because after those fees were spent by someone else, everything else I did myself. I am a single mom for creating a life and a world for my children – helping them swim safely to shore in a ocean that is only filled with sharks and piranhas.

Relationships are complicated and their dynamics are even worse to get your head around. Our choices around relationships are also not that easy to figure out – especially when there are a zillions thoughts and questions rattling in one’s head before taking even one step ahead.

Not easy – but very possible…. especially if you have at least one private room to have your panic and anxiety attacks peacefully every night. Still, possible…

Why? Because being a single mom teaches you faith, trust, perseverance and grit. It teaches you focus to walk the talk and take those single steps that make up the path. It teaches you to go beyond what you think is expected of you and step out into what is right in front of you. It teaches you that no one else knows your reality but yourself – and no one knows the reality of your own fears, doubts and terrors – and that you still do whatever needs doing. It teaches you that no one can take away your power unless you give it away, knowingly or unknowingly – and even after you have given it away, you can still take it back, because you are entitled to your own power. It teaches you that showcasing the burns and scars of the journey is nothing but proof of the path of fire you walked, or are still fumbling through – and those are war-stories that not only toughen your outside but tempers your heart too. It teaches you that downplaying or shadowing your single-motherhood to patronizing patriarchs who think that a woman needs a ‘husband’ or a ‘man’ to balance her family and commitment to her work is utter rubbish… and that in turn teaches you that the muscles of the middle finger can be trained to be strong enough to flick at anyone who thinks they know better.

I know all of this to be true because being a single mom taught all this to me – and much more – and still continues to teach… or, at the very least, it is my truth.

But above all of this, being a single mom brought me closer to knowing those who are there for me – family that are so supportive, it would be devastating to go through all this without them – the lineage of strong women I come from – grandmothers widowed young and single moms themselves, parents who taught me resilience and how to smile through tough times because these too shall pass, my mother who reminds me that she is there for me every single day, my sister who fights with me even now but knows I have her back and I know she has mine, my brother who constantly reminds me that there are real, good men, friends who laugh with me over the fun times and cuss their hearts out with me during the not-so-good times even when they are oceans and time-zones apart….

And most importantly, single motherhood has given me the opportunity to see my children evolve in the midst of all this chaos and put my doubts to rest. The intimacy and trust that comes from showing up as that one person they can fall back on, knowing that you won’t fail them (even if sometimes you come pretty close to breaking) is precious. Those precious hugs, bright smiles and kisses that work to mend the deepest bruises that your heart hides make the struggle SO WORTH the tears.

I see them growing up smart, happy, considerate and good people in the making – and I think to myself, “Not bad, Luvena, you’re leaving behind some pretty fab human beings.”

And I’m proud of that. I’m proud of them – of who they chose to be in the face of all the shit that no child should be allowed to experience, but unfortunately, they did. And they came out just fine.

A friend of mine commented on my son’s graduation picture today – a momentary picture where I asked him to look at his cuff links:

“He, in that moment you captured when you said,”Look at your cuff links!” You captured him ‘in-the-moment’ for that second. Our minds race so fast and a lot of energy/thoughts can be in that second. Your son is calm with it but his feet are beginning to ‘grab’ the earth. You taught him that my love”

Mission Accomplished.

Signing off,

A Single Mom