In case I hadn’t mentioned it earlier, I love reading – I simply love my books and my reads. Since I didn’t focus on a specific genre, I usually read a variety of literature – from Sci-fi, to Chicklit (usually Irish female authored), Courtroom fiction, some non-fiction, biographies, young adult adventure thriller & young adult fantasy too (Harry Potter being a favorite) etc. As part of an online book club, I came across a broader list of books that constantly kept me reading.
Goodreads buddies sharing their current reads and favorites, brought a recent psychological thriller to my attention. ‘Behind Closed Doors’ by BA Paris. The blurb said very little and I hadn’t read psychological thrillers before, so I wasn’t really in the know of what I was getting into, but thought it might have been a bit of mystery or relationship-based drama.
What I was presented with, was nothing I was prepared for. My review went as follows, and the more I think of it, the deeper it sinks…
Ok.. so my review sounds more like a diary entry, but this was the only way I could process this book.. My apologies for going off-track, but perhaps this is my record of my own cathartic journey…
Honestly, I don’t quite know where to begin with the review – so maybe, it’s just that this was more frightening and scary to come face to face with the senseless evil residing in a psychopath.. But who am I kidding? It got personal – I could tell the story from the start, the tell-tales signs, the indicators, the insanity and naivete that one can only tell from experience (to some extent). So the first few chapters, for me, were particularly painful and gut-wrenching. It was eerie the way the experience was expressed because it stopped being fiction to me immediately and hovered on real-life narrative instead.
The book is disturbing – for someone dipping into a psychological thriller for the first time as well as for others who maybe revisiting an experience (personal or relative) – it disturbed me as I processed the events as I read them and how the main characters Grace & Jack related to each other. The story reeked of fear and what went on behind the doors where fear was used as a tool to control, manipulate and demonstrate psychopathic sadism *shivers*.
Towards the second half of the book, however, I think I had processed the text, regrouped my emotions and experienced a personal closure or catharsis of sorts and was able to appreciate how far I have come in resurfacing and not just surviving, but thriving. So, by then, the book brought to fore a sense of strength – the strength Grace demonstrates to fight against sheer monstrosity for someone she loves. I cried – because I could relate once again – when Grace’s sister with DS, who she was primarily seeking to protect, came up with the plan that would help her older sister out eventually. I cried just at the memory of how our limited appreciation for the skills and intuition of people with disabilities – where they may lack our ‘normal’ aptitude, but have an innate sense of intuition too.
At other times, especially in the second half – because there was nothing new to discover about Jack. He had made his intentions clear right at the beginning – I did wonder why Grace couldn’t come out with it at one of her dinners. I can imagine Jack, being Jack, would possibly have covered all tracks before the dinner, but it was an option to just come out with it when she had the opportunity to, but I also understand that fear and shame may play crazy roles in sane and clear thinking. I’m glad for Esther and the ending, really… I would have liked to know more about what clues she had picked up and the signs she had noticed to bring her up to play the role she did.. So it leaves me thinking..
Over the years, if there is one thing I have really learnt, then it has to be the power of experience. The only other thing that can supersede it, is using that experience to lift someone else out of a similar experience. Abuse comes in so many different shades, it confuses people, usually the victims. And if their personality is generally timid, then the inner strength needs to be coaxed and encouraged to shine.
Thankfully, my personality is far from timid, but I did break – I did reach sub-zero levels of self-esteem , I did… and it took me a long, very long time to really OWN my strength – I didn’t even realise that I was resilient, strong and brave – I assumed it was what everyone did – I assumed that I was the weak one for experiencing nonsense & allowing myself to. It is not easy – approaching someone for help and telling them your frantic story, only for them to patronizingly say that perhaps you’re overreacting, ‘because we all know he loves you!! At the end of the day, it’s between you & him, not your family – leave them out of it and sort your lives out’
It is not easy, at an emotional low time, to be constantly threatened harm (emotional or psychological) on your family/ dear ones, it is not easy to move in day-to-day fully dependent on someone else for basic needs, to account for minimal money offered or to have to choose between a sibling with a disability and a spouse especially since it is such an irrational choice… neither is it easy to be torn between having to stay in a relationship v/s making the giant leap of breaking traditional norms & thinking of going back to your parents (who live in another country and you legally cannot just jump back on a whim)… Pfft… yes, these experiences are true & they happen to countless people, but it helps to take it, own it & wear it like a medal – If I’ve gotten through that, then I’m certain there is a larger role for me that reaches out to others.
Behind Closed Doors is an emotional roller coaster – it took me through suspicion, disbelief, anger, fury, resentment, hatred, grief, disgust, shock, apathy, fear, doubt, self-doubt, loathing, abhorrence and many others. I slept poorly the 2 days I took to read this. Last night, I slept fitfully and dreamt of certain people who had the tendency to derive pleasure from presenting themselves unannounced to the extreme discomfort of others. I double-checked my doors and then sat down this morning to fully own that I had surfaced.
You can find the book on Amazon here
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