Choosing Me

I’d been mulling over a few things of late – you know, the kind of things that stand in front of you and don’t budge until you really take a call? Yes, the kind of thing that challenges you to really hold your ‘values’ placards in your face, legs akimbo, raise an eyebrown and say, ‘Well?! Whatsit gonna be?? Whatcha gonna do??! What’s your decision?? Who you gonna choose?‘

And I chose myself.

Easy, you think?
Not at all – not even for someone whom many of you perceive as ‘strong’ and ‘clear headed’ and all sorts of things… making such choices is not easy. It has taken me months to fully own this choice (no, I will not go into the details), but trust me, it was hard.

I had to look at myself as an individual, as a woman, as a mother and as someone who has a circle of influence, as show up with responsibility. I could have kept it to myself too, but this also serves as showing up for the one person who deserves this more than ever – myself.

I had to show up for myself and be true & real to ME.
I was tired of the half-assery… like literally tired – physically drained… and very honestly, for nothing! You know that bone-deep exhaustion that comes from putting way too much energy and personal effort into something that doesn’t have the capacity to receive it? A wasted effort… or worse, an unvalued one…?

Yeahh… even the best of us can fall through the cracks sometimes and you’ll have all your friends and best wishers who will see it and tell you, ‘Hey girl, what are you doing? Stop! I can’t believe YOU are letting yourself go like this….’ and they’ll worry about how it is taking a toll on your health, your mind, your productivity, your energy, your relationships, your LIFE….

but they’ll also know to hold space for you, not just because they love you, but also because, some decisions you will make only when you ready to learn and decide. (The one fierce friend of mine who knows this and will be reading this – will fist bump the air and call me tomorrow morning – I’m sure of it!)

So, yes, I chose me…. and I chose being true to myself, being authentic… and to tap into that thing called resilience.

And you know what? It is not that bad… I thought it would be worse, but it isn’t.

Authenticity fosters resilience against emotional harm and gaslighting by enabling us to fully belong in our skin, accepting our strengths, flaws, and works-in-progress.

Authenticity and resilience may appear as two sides of the same coin at times. It takes resilience to show up with authenticity. Not many people can handle unapologetic & unbridled authenticity in others.

It is not uncommon to be blamed for making others uncomfortable when we stand in our truth – either because they lack the spine to stand up for what is… or just because it is deeply unnerving & unsettling to stand in another’s light.

I will not dim my light to take on someone else’s darkness.
I will not take on misplaced guilt for someone else’s shortcomings. That is not on me.
I will not, ever, apologize for showing others how to treat me. Making it clear, to another’s discomfort, is not being unreasonably demanding, it is self-respect and a blue print of an expectation. Not a reason to feel lesser than, and not a reason to apologize.

If you cannot take that, the please step aside.
I choose to move ahead… to look ahead….

and continue to be me – unapologetically me.

~ Luvena Rangel