A Christmas Tree Story… and then some

Two years back I had this HUGE Moving Away sale and clearance of about 90% (or more) of my house. I sold and gave away almost everything I had – furniture, artefacts, dining table and chairs, books…. even my Christmas tree and tinsel garlands went to places where people had the space to enjoy them and share the love. Last year, our Christmas, as a family, was very sombre – no tree, no kuswar, don’t think we had any gifts either… it was hard, but we pulled through.

I don’t know what it is about Christmastime that just warms me up completely, though. To me, it encapsulates love, joy, peace, romance, celebration, family, friends, giving and receiving (not always with presents)… and it is being. It brings me closer to those whom I love and makes special moments out of thin air from time spent with those whom we choose to be with. It is special and I wait for it every single year.

This year, Minks suggested we get a new tree – since we’re all in breathable spaces today. It has been a difficult year, sure, but we’ve moved ahead – one day at a time – despite having our share of extreme extremes this year. Ash wasn’t sure – he wondered why I wanted to get a tree. I wanted it for myself – for my joy, for my pleasure and for my connection to a place of untold love that I’ve experienced in my childhood, youth… and, well, life so far. I wanted it for us as a family, as every child of mine was growing older – I wanted this time to be a moment of remembrance of the many happy Christmases we had when they were littler.

Many years ago, Dada had got us a white tree – seemed pretty radical at the time (How can you have a white Christmas tree??!) – we have pics of Leona & me posing in silly Bollywood poses somewhere in the albums… Anyway, this year, I kept thinking of the white tree. So, I broke away from our traditional green, faux firs and picked a white tree…. and further, a small, slim tree as opposed to the 8ft beauty I had for years!!

I also, dug through the ornaments that I had kept behind – the ones that I had collected over the years, one Christmas at a time, and picked the ones that matched the Blue & Silver theme I seem to have fallen for this year. I have this beautiful frosted glass train taht has a twin – had a twin – just no idea where it has choo-choo-ed off to! But it is special – for coming home to me from the German Christmas Market in 2008. So it made its way to my minimalist tree this year.

Just as I was adding the final touches to the backdrop of the tree, something really sweet transpired.

Stockings represent the family members in my home, even though we don’t stuff them – they are a symbol. When my niece & nephew visit, we put out 5 – one for each of the kids – adults are not really counted.

This year, I put up 3, then thought of 4… to include me…. Although, the SO has been significant for all of us the past couple of years, since I was putting up the tree after nearly two years, I wanted to give the kids the space of familiarity first. I had barely put up the fourth stocking, when Rhea asked, ‘Where’s Uncle X’s stocking?’ ‘He is family!’, she stated… and watched as I put up the fifth. And that was that…

So we’ve got 5 stockings hung out in my home today…. that may not be filled with candy cane and trinkets or any of that stuff…but I can assure you, it’s filled with a whole lotta love!

As I started this year, the one thing I wanted was clarity; I think I received everything but. I still feel lost about where I stand, I still wonder if my choices are justified, question what I am, who I am… I have a plethora of feelings that feel so FELT, hahaha… but when I open my mouth to express them, they come out as audible nothings and unheard confusion. I sometimes take a hard look at myself in my mirror and ask, ‘Are you Ok? Can you breathe life into your eyes and sing music to your soul?’ and while I scream, ‘YES!’ on many days, on other days, I raise my trademarkable, WTF-passing right eyebrow to the blurry chaos around me and think, ‘You gotta be kidding me!’

Or maybe things were always so clear that I had to painfully sift through the obstacles and choose which ones to knock off, which ones to simply walk around and which ones to hold my breath, squeeze my eyes tightly shut and bear the force of a full body impact – rendered to shatter the strongest… and still find myself standing. It happens… It happened.

So that is my Christmas unfolding this year. Everything is different, yet it contains within its folds bubbles of love and laughter, tears of mirth and joy, grief and loss, moments of orgasmic bliss and heart-wrenching pain – everything, everywhere, all at once – the kind I wouldn’t wish on the worst of my enemies (hang on, I don’t think I have any!!). But yes, that seems to be my potpourri of life – a life that I truly believe is so worth living to the fullest – successes & mistakes all embraced – all mine – taking one step at a time – one breath at a time…; Who knows if we’ll have another Christmas?

Here’s something I saw in one of my groups this morning – apropos, per se, to my closing thoughts…