I’d like to share something with you today. Something deep & personal.
Let me share quite honestly that it is possible to fall in love again (& maybe again and again, I wouldn’t know about that), but the possibility of falling in love at least one more time after the deepest kind of heartbreak is possible.
It is bloody scary and uncertain as hell… but it is possible.
Sigh!
It is no easy thing to realize that all the carefully structured walls and guards have failed and mercilessly fallen; all those carefully crafted affirmations of being perfectly OK with being alone and unattached, look at me from the side as if to mock me (with kindness, though, or so I’d like to believe).
I sigh again, with a resignation that is accompanied by tears of that silent shrug that seemingly asks, ‘You don’t really know what you’re doing, do you?’
Yet, there’s a warmth in this stupid feeling that amidst all the dead ends that appear to mock me again and again, sticking their tongue at me, thumbing their noses at me, I’m still walking, eyes wide open, into the arms of a smile that reaches their eyes, and lips that follow honestly said words that inevitably should mean very little in the grand scheme of things.
And yet, here I am – this smart, intelligent woman whose strength might be her very weakness – because strong people are supposed to suck it up and bear the brunt of life’s suckiness.
And yet, somehow, this feels like the place I want to be – the place I feel loved, cherished, cared for, respected, accepted… it is this place that feels like home…
I fit in… perfectly…. doubtlessly… irrationally (trust me, on this one!)
A friend says I’ve endured one of the roughest and rawest deals in life. Another warns me about every pitfall perceivable. Both agree it’s one of the best things I’ve had in a long while, both are silent as I sit still in the flux.
So it is possible.
But it is daunting.
And it is also terrifying to come so close to realizing how dangerously possible it is to care deeply for another.
Even more terrifying to realize that someone can care so deeply for you. I mean I was petrified when it happened. So much so that I had an upset stomach – I literally couldn’t digest it, let alone comprehend it!
But it is possible…
It is possible to be gentle with myself just as much as I can be gentle with another despite the harsh pain and lethal violence I have seen first hand.
It is possible to trust.
Mind you, I don’t mean trust someone else, but to trust myself to trust another after experiencing horrifying betrayal.
It is possible to see time being made for me after decades of being an errant after thought that felt like a hot spear being pierced in a young woman’s heart.
It is possible to love and be loved… even in a situation that seems painfully unapproachable.
But what does one do when all good thought has exhausted itself and all that remains is the undeniable compatibility and joy that exists in the company of that smile?
Tell me I’m wrong… tell me I’m being naïve and be a good friend, won’t you? Tell me to look back at two decades of grief, sorrow and heartache and still believe that I don’t deserve this slice of unfortunately timed good fortune…
It is hilarious in its ridiculousness of timing…
But, it is possible…
And I’m stepping into that possibility because I can… and because there’s more to lose if I don’t.
And losing is something I don’t choose for myself.
Because it is possible.
Luvena's World 