I want to share something in the wake of my last few posts. I know that my updates usually land beautifully with you all often because I have awesome friends & family, students, acquaintances, teachers, neighbors etc. But I need to share this with as much clarity & honesty as I can muster today.
My posts are usually raw with a generous sprinkling of sarcasm, wit & humor (sometimes even dark). My stories, slices of life, are a genuine sharing to document my own milestones and to nudge a little optimism into this social space I occupy – there’s more than enough of the serious topics that wallow in negativity in this world that we all navigate. But, I want to very clearly state that in the 40 minutes it takes me to type out my post, what you read and absorb are the cumulative emotions focused towards that post. Remember that I practically have another 23 hours of the day when emotions, feelings, incidents, issues and matters all come tumbling through in all ways & styles.
What I am saying is that – while I do have a largely positive and optimistic outlook to things, humor has been my coping mechanism – sometimes having saved me from serious danger. I am also saying that I do have horribly sh*ty days & moments too. It would be a lie to say otherwise.
Any relationship – with others or ourselves – has the potential to bring grief and I am human (not a cow!) and I get to experience the entire spectrum of my fallible human-ness. I get angry & furious at times, at other moments I feel offended, hurt & humiliated. I sometimes feel shame, occasional guilt and doubt. I remember past hurts that shape my responses today. I worry at times when I needn’t and I find it a struggle to remind myself to trust that I am loved and loveable – and believe it when people say they do. And in my very private moments, I also cry. I find myself extremely vulnerable in those moments and only those closest to me will see me shed a tear. (My children are not included in this statement 
It is my moral duty to shed mom tears in their presence)
There are other things also.
That’s my point – there are other things and emotions that I struggle with… but I have also come to understand that they are OK. They are OK for ME to feel. My emotions are not someone else’s baggage to be comfortable with. It is natural for me to write with candor – to bring in the humor and irony of life in my stories, even my angry rants. I am an emotional writer after all! So I wanted to, very honestly and humbly, share with you all that despite it all, I have my moments. I am lucky, privileged & blessed to have a wonderful family, friends, community & teachers who have been instrumental in helping me navigate this roller coaster journey – it has not been easy. My journey has been anything but easy – sometimes I wonder how I am still alive, but I am.
I am also positive but not living in delusion. I am practical and yet soft to the possibilities of life and goodness. I am prepared yet sufficiently nervous about the uncertainties of life – and excited for it even more.
That’s it.. that’s all I wanted to share today – that I am not wearing any toxic positivity mask when I share my good moments. That the good & the bad weaves in & out in equal measure…. and some days are hormone-influenced… Sending you all my love & nicest thoughts today…
First published on Luvena’s facebook page on 12th January 2022
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