I’m not really at a loss of words toda as much as I am at a fullness of feeling. In April of this year, Ash received 2 scholarships & an offer to join Hult International Business School. Today is Ash’s first day at Univeristy – ok, he says it is ‘Orientation Week’… but it still is Uni….. and I’m looking back at 19 years and a full term pregnancy journey raising this child.
So, yes, my heart is full…. because seeing Ash persevere with his quiet resilience has both torn my heart and at the same time borne witness to how he has quiety guarded his vulnerability and still surely and slowly stepped into this space of strength. His resilience astounds me (although his teenage boorishness annoys the hell out of me)!
I’ve spent this morning reminiscing… walk with me, if you please…
A difficult, lonely pregnancy that carried all the symptoms of a traumatic relationship, visiting the Consulate with a 15 day newborn & a fresh C-Section scar to get his passport because his other non post-partum refused to process it; being each other’s full time companions for 13 months, endless pram rides to Sahara Center, nursing his viral fever while my own fever was a raging nightmare – eventually both of us admitted in the same room. Winning the Baby Crawling Olympics and participating in the largest mural of baby pics. Me attending interviews with baby in tow – getting my life changing placement in Dubai with BP Middle East! My heart breaking when he cried out, “Mama!!” on my first day back at work & me taking public transport for the first time in my life after work because his grandmother thought that her daughter in law shouldn’t work and so his father refused to figure out the logistics and child care involved. I earned my license soon after.
First day at school, neat uniform even when returning from school (how can that ever happen?!), nursing his viral fever while having a raging fever myself, fractures (don’t ask how many!), being the first face he wanted to see after his surgeries, ruthless punishments (yes, I was very nasty too – so ashamed of it today, but that was true), Gold in UAE Gymnastics, having an auditorium roar with appaluse at his Street Jazz performance…. and an ealier community arts event where he tried his hand at Community Drumming and asked an elderly woman from the audience to please dance the Salsa with him!
Early morning drives to his swimming, soccer & basket ball practices (straight after my 12 hours night shifts), handwriting classes (yes, he went to an Indian school that guilted me into this.!), birthday parties, pre-ordering PS3 games, standing in line with me for my pre-ordered Harry Potter books, and his love of specific brands of shoes – make that very expensive shoes! Oh & movies! Endless movies – because he was my BEST movie partner – I think we’ve visited every movie hall in the Dubai & Sharjah!
Fighting with teachers on his behalf and, just as well, watch him write an apology letter to some others too, witnessing him read out a letter to his classmates about how bullying felt and how everyone can do better – this, when he was in grade 6! Soccer training, walking the BFC players with his siblings, training for the I-League and daily 50km drives to his soccer ground during his Grade 10 year – because… it might be his last time to experience soccer at that level while at school! We took the risk. Oh and that joy of seeing him walk up to receive his sash & badge to the Prefecture not once, but for two of his Senior years!
And then there were the talks on drugs and sex and girls and respect and sexuality, abuse, harassment, politics, the left versus the right, privilege, how the system has failed us, failed me…. and yet how aware we are of our privilege. The pride I felt when his classmates parents would call me to say that they would send their daughters to parties if Ash would be there.
Him being a very, very annoying older brother, but a very, very, very protective older brother too. The unquestioned months he helped me care for his younger sister after her surgery, how he helped me look after his younger brother after his injuries… and even how he cared for me after my surgeries. He cared. He cares.
So, this post is for something else too. This is for the sake of my Facebook Memories to remind me about myself. This is as much a self acknoweldgement post as it is about motherhood, resilience, strength and the child who nudged me to be all of that because nothing, absolutely nothing would keep me away from protecting the one baby because of whom I am alive today.
The past months have been stressful af. Some days, I had no idea – zero clue – about what the next day would bring me. I had the ‘pleasure’ of having doors shut on my face as well as the ‘joy’ of seeing true colors…. and throw in a fistful of hurdles that is the purpose of existence of a privileged and narcissistic few…
but… BUT….
Here I am, looking back at myself when I had no answers and only conviction to today, when I still have no answers but the questions just resolved themselves…. of course with the support and shoulders of a few who held me up when my mind drew blanks and reminded me to just breathe.
And I did.
My 19year old is in University!!Single parenting is a killer – humbling, yet strengthening – even after being dragged through the mud, face down… bent but not broken… and still standing!Even the darkest moments when everything seems like a lonely fight, all it takes in one person to turn things around.My son is in University and I’ve put him through it teaching yoga. Yup, not great flashy yoga, no big marketing strategies – simple, true, humble teachings. But these small, powerful teachings, are putting my son through University.Grace exists.I always, ALWAYS have awesome people who have come forward to help support me support others. Friends, students, teachers, domestic staff, meal providers, laptop technicians, doctors, gardeners., Swiggy & Zomato even… they are my community who have silently supported me. And here’s something a stranger told me yesterday, “Luvena, you only receive what you have given. It’s Karma!” I don’t want to bother digging deep into his words – but I can tell you this much, those words were kind and soothing – and nursed my heart with a caring & comforting salve.
It is what it is…
In my eyes, with my first born, in one sense, my life has come full circle. I gave birth to him and raised him well enough to be ready today to step into the next phase. I’ve done well.. He’s the testament.
Watch this space for when the younger come up to share their unique gifts with the world.
Luvena's World 