Earlier this week, my son was shamed. Not ashamed – he was shamed…. To be more specific he was body shamed. Even more specific he was body shamed. He is 10. He was shamed on the playground, by a child 4 or 5 years older than him – a young teen. It would have passed as a ‘simple playground thing‘ between kids, but it didn’t…. because someone was sensitive enough to notice my son’s body language and called to alert me.
Hey, Avi! You’ve lost weight, huh?!
Read these words not as a compliment (which it never should be!) but laced with sarcasm, accompanied by sniggers from sidekicks of the one saying it. Avi had not shed any weight & Avi knew it. Avi had also refused to go out to play for many months during the pandemic because he was healing from his fall from 10 feet and because he was aware of kids, his own friends, who were openly mean enough to comment on his body because of it.
But this incident of the explicit sarcasm from a teen had cut deep, because the otherwise loud & boisterous child, slid to the edges of the play court and sat aside waiting for the sniggers to subside.
There are many ways in which parents can help to mediate and make painful episodes of bullying (yes, that is what this was) into teachable moments. And so, while I was livid, I was also not going to sit back on this one.
What was I out to teach?
- I was out to teach my 10-yr-old that although I don’t interfere with playground scuffles, I knew when to come in & do the needful.
- I was out to teach my 10-yr-old that bullying is wrong and his hurt is valid – that he was wronged. There’s no other way to see it – it had to be acknowledged.
- I was out to teach the teen, who may have been allowed to believe that a few laughs at someone else’s expense is ‘cool’, that it is not quite so.
- I was out to teach anyone who would pay attention that the scars of emotionally hurting someone with a comment about appearance, height, weight, skin tone, acne, hair, no hair, boobs, no boobs or whatever the eff people take pleasure in commenting about…. that those scars ran deep… very, very deep. And that the person inflicting them took responsibility for causing such lasting trauma, were held accountable… and were taught to do better next time.
- And I was out to teach a quick lesson on recognizing bullying patterns in our own children – especially when we ourselves refuse to accept that this is indeed what it is.
But he wasn’t physically bullied, was he? I mean, my son only ‘said’ this to him, right?
Right. If you’re asking whether Avi was physically bullied, then no, he wasn’t. But we’re not discussing physical abuse here, are we? The words that were used were painful. And emotional abuse, name calling, shaming are all different expressions of a-b-u-s-e!
Did anyone see you / hear you talking to my son? Or did you take him aside to explain to him?
Yeah, I am aware of how it may look when our child is being ‘chastised’ / ‘admonished’ in public – especially when they have really done something wrong. But, yeah, if it makes you feel better, I took him aside for the conversation. Unfortunately, what he said to Avi was said loud enough for everyone else to hear and laugh at.
You have older kids, you know this is the age where teens watch TikTok and Instagram and YouTube and prank others. They don’t mean any harm… it is just a joke.
And that is where we parents come in. That is where we help the teens understand that laughing at someone else’s expense is not funny! It isn’t fucking funny in the least sense! How would it have felt if someone would have bullied the bully instead by making remarks about his looks, height, teeth, pants or whatever else? Hurting someone else by making remarks about their body is not done! Why are we even having this conversation, again? Defensiveness, especially clubbed with patriarchy, is something that gives boys the permission to misbehave because, ‘Boys will be boys’, no? No! Boys will be taught how to be better human beings, how to be respectful and how to be decent. That. Is. It.
I hope Avi is not still hanging around there! He can go play with other kids too.
Yes of course, while I was thankful for the concern – and they were trying to be genuine, I know them well enough for that. But Avi was definitely not going to be taught to run away from older kids who may be bullies!
Anyway, I’m not sure what the conversation was between that parent and child, but the next day Avi came home after a soccer game to say that, “Fat body, small di*k” was muttered to him. Only this time, Avi took it differently and I didn’t bother calling anyone anymore.
Sigh! Bullying is bullying. Shaming is bullying. Body shaming is bullying. Victim shaming is bullying. Slut shaming is bullying. And it starts in our homes…. and then it seeps into our playgrounds where young children start to explore power dynamics – knowing how to exert it and, for some unfortunate ones, to know what it feels like to carry the scars of traumatic playground experiences!
In recent years we have had more than enough media attention given to the case of bullying and body shaming. We usually consider this as a ‘female’ worry. As you can see, it isn’t necessarily misogyny at play here, but toxic masculinity and patriarchy. Even boys can be body shamed. Anyone can be body shamed – and sadly, anyone can be a bully.
Our boys are allowed to believe that bullying and abusing others is a way to secure power (even if the said custodians of power and totally ill equipped to wield it!) Our boys are allowed to center themselves – especially if they are the only sons and more so where the women in the family are as patriarchal as the system. This is often explained away with excuses like, ‘boys are rough / aggressive’ and other similar cliches. Even if boys are rough, are they not to be taught to be kind & recognise the difference between rough play & hurtful, abusive behavior?
Body shaming and bullying are gender unbiased.
While I raise a daughter and two sons, my effort to raise a young woman totally in charge and with agency over her body, her appearance and her sexuality, I realise that the effort is equally required towards my sons & raising them to be young men aware of their bodies, strengths, weaknesses, with agency over their bodies and the humility to recognise their privilege as males in a patriarchal society.
The politically correct thing that schools do to educate children about bullying – in many ways is not doing enough because real conversations and opportunities to develop empathy are not happening! When kids are not given an opportunity to listen to hard truths from the words & voices of their peers, how on earth to we expect them to care? Children need to face the effects of their behavior towards each other. They should be taught accountability for harm caused – intentionally or unintentionally – and counselled appropriately towards making better choices next time. The future of our society & our world depends on it.
We cannot sit back and assume that our children are beyond reproach, guilt or a shadow of doubt.
And worse, how do we expect their parents to care when we stop realising that it takes a village to raise a child? When we allow our defensiveness to be at the fore in deflecting the pain (and anger) of another child or parent when they bring it up to us, do we not realise that we not only perpetuate the harm, but also quite likely ensure that our own offspring is being allowed to continue behavior that may lead to something worse if left unchecked?
I am angry & I am hurt – on behalf of my 10-year-old who had to experience shaming. Now I have to work doubly hard to ensure he doesn’t retaliate in the way hurt children usually do. Hurt people hurt people, right?
But no… it isn’t easy and it isn’t nice. But these are our children. Growing up in our homes in our communities. We can turn around hurtful moments into teachable moments…
Or….
Never mind….
Just in case anyone’s wondering, unless we are actually raising, feeding, financing, contributing towards another’s life, it really doesn’t become our business (let alone our right) to comment disparagingly about anyone at all! And even if we did raise/feed/finance/contribute, disparaging comments & hurtful words, are in very simple words, being abusive – verbally abusive. This is never about ‘good intention’ or ‘health’ – it is, very simply, off limits!
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