Coming Into My Own

I guess I’ve always been fiercely independent. Well, to be honest, it was more like a balancing act mostly – sometimes being fierce, at other times being independent. Let’s just say I have always been intense – both in my ferocity and my independence.

Yet, there were times when I would feel like the protagonist in the duck metaphor – successfully and calmly swimming my way across the pond, paddling furiously under the surface – but keep that smile pasted!

But, somewhere in this above-the-surface-below-the-surface mismatch, there was a disconnect – somewhere in this affray, I sensed I wasn’t being honest with myself – at least not totally, not brutally – not in the way I expected of myself.

So I set about doing nothing about it…. only to realize that I was actually getting myself entrenched in this wholly wondrous world of discovering ME (or at least the parts that I wasn’t totally in love with!)

Self-work is not necessarily hard, but it is serious work. You can’t get into it as a toe-dipping session. It isn’t something you opt-into when you have the time for it – it is a complete immersion – you get fully wet – and if you don’t know how to swim, you drink in some of the water too! There’s no room for hiding and masquerades, but there are plenty of mirrors and reflective ponds. There are volume boosters telling you about what a shit you are and how you’re not good enough for anything, but there even louder ones that you find to turn up the heat on those quiet whispers that say, “I got you, babe!” & “We’ve got this!“

It took me six months of this year to to align myself to ME. And it took me all of those six months to remind myself of who I am and what I wanted. ‘Soul questions‘ as Deepak Chopra taught us – so I asked myself every day, every month – and asked others while leading meditations and beyond – those questions that tickled the very deepest parts of our selves – and eked out a response so deeply buried under all the conditioning of ‘What will people say?‘ or ‘What would someone think?‘ or worse, ‘Do I deserve this at all?‘

That was when the penny dropped!

I was like, “Hey! Wait a minute…“… “Wait for just one bloody minute!“

Who exactly was in charge here?? Who was driving the shots and me taking a call on what mattered most for me? Who was validating my need, my desire, my want for happiness? Who exactly was allowing me (or disallowing me) my connection to myself – to me being me??

And I FELT it. I really, truly FELT it – in my gut, in my chest, in my arms, my legs, my head – I felt the WHOLE ME – I felt ALL of me come to life – in tingles and bursts and fireworks. I felt my cheeks flush and my blood rush to my head. I felt it love – with myself, with the world, with people around me. I felt the kinship to that beautiful roaring fire of my Martian Pitta Aries nature and personality! And all of them came to the fore.

OMG!! OMG!! I felt ALIVE!

I FEEL alive!!

That sexy glorious sparkling feeling of being IN your element! That awesomeness!

I realize that this journey of self-discovery has been my springboard to reconnection – to the real me. What I do is in synch with how I feel and what I want. Unapologetically, truly me – forging ahead without the need for anyone’s approval or validation. Conscious of my falls, yet unashamedly willing to dust myself off and step out – again and again…. Yet, keeping it real enough by pooling in the wisdom of hindsight and the expectation of foresight – tinged on the boundaries with the courage, confidence and passion of fire.

No more the furious paddling below the surface – because what you see is what you get!

Yes, I have come into my own…. and dancing to my own rhythm, my own fire…