Last week something happened… No, wait, a couple of things happened actually. Without going into the absolute details of what happened, I’ll jump right in to what the events got me thinking about – uncomfortable things, for sure, personal insights for certain.
It got me thinking about relationships.
Pretty much a universal thought anyway, but this time, relationships got my goat because here I was faced with a relationship prospect of significant implications.
Now I know some of you must be wondering if I’m going to be spilling the beans about a romantic, passionate liaison. If so, I guess I’m going to have to disappoint you immediately, but you never know… I’m not really here to spill any beans, this isn’t entirely a romantic wait-till-you-hear-about-it – but let’s just wait to find out where I’m headed with this.
So as I sat with these relationship thoughts in the middle of all the chaos of ER visits, daughter’s pinkie finger fracture, pop-up exhibitions, assignments and work, I also became aware of this deep sense of awareness – a realization that with all the chaos around me, there was this one part of me was still, unaffected and well, happy.
It was strange getting in touch with this part of me – stranger still that I was surprised it actually existed! Now, I’m no self-realized, saint who has attained that level of detachment or any of the things that many of us aspire to attain – no I’m not that, yet, and this post isn’t about that either. What it is, for sure, is the recognition that the moment I stumbled upon this part of me, I also stumbled upon a whole list of feelings that I really didn’t know existed – at least they existed till some years ago until they quietly muted themselves.
So this quiet, inner self came with its own plethora of feelings – and emotions. Feelings of excitement, thrill and a sense of want or desire and at the same time wisps of doubt, confusion and inner conflict. But underlying all of them was this strong undercurrent of recognition – a recognition of womanhood – my womanhood – my identity – a sense of being in touch with ME.
It took me a week, but it brought me up close and person to what I was feeling in this moment of radical choosing. I felt liberated in the knowing of what really matters to ME and what I needed to allow that to happen.
And above all, that I was OK with it – ALL of it!
I was OK with ME.
This is where the lines go a bit blurry, right? Because even as I read it I’m thinking ‘Oh c’mon, Luvena, this definitely sounds like an intro to a passionate ta-da-da-daaaa story!’ So it is, in an odd way – it is a love story that I’m spilling the beans about. My love story with me – my love affair with myself unabashedly recognizing what I need and what I want – and what I choose to do about it. And I guess, in that equation, sometimes, well, other things also happen!
But …
These radical choices that I was making came with a whole bagful of existing complications. You see, I started thinking about what other people would say. And I thought about for a whole 10 seconds (yes, I gave it 10 seconds) – and realized that I didn’t really care about society being ready for my choice. I also wondered if it was something about it being my fortieth year and all that (still true, you know, the women-get-naughty-when-they-turn-40 bit).
So here’s the thing that was getting me worked up.
Values!!!
Everything about The Curvy Yogi was talking #BeyondStereotypes, #Diversity & #Inclusion. Yet, faced with my own deeply personal ‘in-touch-with-me’ moment, and faced with the probable ‘complications of the radical choice’, I was left challenged with my own values – a face-off between my personal ethos and my professional tagline.
I was questioning my own authenticity.
It was an ugly question.
It needed to be answered.
So I took a few deep breaths, grounded myself and just asked myself what the source of my discomfort was.
The answer, in all this simplicity, surprised me.
The ‘discomfort’ as I called it was, in fact, a new feeling of a grounded investment in ME. It was the sensation of change, the sensation of a shift – a telltale sign of me operating from a place of, ‘This is Me’… and it wasn’t going anywhere, at least not in the near future.
When we are invested in our own values, when or values are an authentic expression of who we are and what we stand for, they define the who, why, what and how of everything we do and represent. Our values vibrate with authentic integrity when there is no shadow of doubt that everything we do arises from that energy. Our personal and professional foundation rises from the same set of beliefs.
Living on purpose = living truly from my set of values, owning them, embodying them – and knowing when to drop guilt out of the equation.
Going beyond stereotypes was my mantra of purpose – of being rooted in my essential nature. (Well, yeah, it is also a Pitta thing like some of my friends would recognize)
Luvena's World 